RIP Robin Williams

Just can't even wrap my mind around this, this man who was so funny, so talented and who brought joy to so many.  Addiction and depression is a toxic combination.

Summer Sobriety

I get my best ideas to blog when I'm running, and listening to sober podcasts. Then never write anything down.  It has been three months since I wrote.  I'm still sober.  Completed Belle's 180 Day challenge in July and signed up for Team 365.  Recently I started listening to a new podcast called Klen & Sobr (with a "long" e) and of course, The Bubble Hour. 

Yesterday I had a total breakdown.  For over six months I have held my shit together and have not bobbled once.  No tears, no anger, nothing.  I lost it with crying and snot and angry words and laughter and dry heaves.  Nope, not pretty.  But I felt so much better after I let it go.  What set me off?  A fucking kayak.  I was trying to tie a fucking kayak to the top of my daughter's car and the tie down strap was too long.  I was pressed for time and my mind wasn't working.  The stupid ratchet tie strap was twisting and wouldn't release and the whole world was against me and my plan to go for a leisurely kayak outing.  Once I calmed down from the crying and then the laughing it all seemed so silly.  I'm glad it happened because today my daughter and I enjoyed a beautiful morning on the river in our fucking kayaks!  I also celebrated my 52nd birthday last week.  The first one sober in a number of years.  Yay!

 

Team 180 Pledge

Team 180

 On January 29, 2014 I had my last alcoholic beverage.  Soon after that I signed up for Belle's 100 Day Challenge.  I completed 100 sober days on May 8th.  I'm signing up for Team 180, which is 80 more days sober.  I edited the pledge to fit me.  This is what I wrote...

 (p.s.  I don't know why this weird margin thing is going on.)

“I have completed 100 days of sobriety.  At first I didn’t know if I could pull it off.  I wanted this to be the time I quit for good.  I was sick of the hiding, the embarrassment, the lies, the blackouts.  But what about my friends and family who expect me to have drinks with them?  I can’t disappoint them!  I’m a people pleaser!  I always give in to peer pressure, just like the timid little mouse I was in Jr. High.  Fuck that!  Guess what?  When I quit my perspective changed and I began to feel better, healthier.  Not all the time, of course, that’s some tough shit to do, but every day it became easier.  I rewarded myself for sober days. I took time for me and read or sewed or baked muffins.  I remembered that I liked to run.  So I started running again.  Now I’m running about 20 miles a week.  I like this new feeling of freedom (and “me-dom”) and I want it to continue.  I pledge to not drink for 180 days.  Not even if my husband drinks, not even if my in-law family members drink, not even if my daughter calls me “lame” for not drinking, not even if my visit to the doctor to see about that damn irksome pain in my side turns out to be something more than an annoyance.  Not even if…anything. I will not drink.  Because you see when the fog cleared after those first few days, I remembered that there was someone inside me.  Someone who wasn’t the person that I had become.  We became re-acquainted and she’s pretty damn amazing!"

So I raise my mug of tea in a toast...Here's to 80 days more!  Here's to sobriety!  Here's to me!

Mini Vacation

Parsons Beach - Kennebunk, ME

I'm on a mini vacation for a few days.  This marks the third year we have been on this trip, my first time sober.  No stopping at the New Hampshire Liquor Store.  No bar tab at the hotel.  No bar tab at the restaurant before dinner.  No wine with dinner.  No wine after dinner back at the hotel.  No falling asleep with a wine glass in my hand in bed.  

Instead I celebrated 100 days of sobriety.  I enjoyed conversation with my husband.  I could TASTE my dinner.  I didn't stumble to the restroom.  I savored dessert.  I didn't trip walking back to our car.  I remembered stuff!

Today it's overcast and probably going to rain a bit.  We will shop a little and relax.  I'm heading out for a run in a few minutes.  Going to visit a few fabric stores this afternoon.  Maybe some antique shops. 

Honey, I'm home!

I may have mentioned earlier that I work in a church office.  Lent/Easter is a very busy time of year.  Far more busy than Advent/Christmas.  I had to step away from writing to deal with the added work in the office plus a multitude of other work related happenings.  Let's just say if I were still drinking...Nah, I won't go there.  I did hold it together and in fact today I am 90 days sober!  I'm very happy to not be drinking.  I've become used to not drinking even when others are.  Still I keep it safe, secure and to myself. Only a few others know.  It's like my own special secret.

My husband asked if I had told his parents when we were visiting them a couple of weeks ago.  No, it didn't come up.  I was asked if I wanted a glass of wine.  No thank you!  There's beer in the fridge in the garage, help yourself.  No thanks!  He said, "Well, I didn't say anything to them."  (Me) "That's great, because it's not yours to tell!"  He asked if I told my mom.  Nope, hasn't come up.  Besides, I never drank much around her.  I know it would make her feel funny due to her father being such a big drinker most of his life.

We are planning a trip to California this fall with our drinky friends.  We had discussed this back when I was in the thick of it.  Mrs. Drinky asked me the other night at dinner if I was going to 'stop this' before the trip "'cuz you can't visit wine country and not drink!"  I can drink sparkling water and eat grapes can't I?  She just wants a drinking buddy with her.  The thing is she weighs all of 90 pounds and is ready for bed after a couple of glasses.  Me?  No, I'll take a bottle, make that two, drink them both.  Black out.  Wake next day to have my husband tell me I say really mean things to him when I drink.  Oh God, now what?!  Then start it all over again.  Nothankyouverymuch!  So I'm doing it.  I'm taking this vacation in September and I will not drink.  Moderation does not work for me.  (Hell, does it work for anyone?  There aren't many books written on it are there?)  By the way, while at dinner and sitting across the table from Mrs. Drinky, I could smell her glass of Pinot Noir.  It smelled kinda yucky. Like, why would I want to drink that?  Bleh!

Glad to be back here.  Really glad Easter is over!  Only seven months and we'll be in Advent.

An Old Way of Thinking

Before I got sober I would keep track of the calories burned while using the treadmill, the elliptical, the recumbent bike the rower, etc...Not for a health reason but for a "How many drinks can I have before I go over the calories burned" reason.  Sad. 

Aced Another Test

Last weekend Mr.Stitches and I visited our youngest daughter at college.  She goes to school in Mr. Stitches hometown.  We stayed at his parent's house.  They move to a southern state for a few months every year so no one was there.  Mr. Stitches comes from a family of big drinkers.  I don't think I have ever gone to his family's home and not had a drink, except when I was expecting.  Even when we stay at their house when they aren't there I would still drink.  The only thing I had this weekend was ice water, coffee, and orange juice.  I didn't WANT anything else!  

The next time we go back will be when the family gets together this spring.  I feel stronger having made it through my first time staying at the house sober - without an "audience".  Probably no one other than his sister, "the biggest drinker in the family" will notice.  And she will.  And she'll mention it.  Again, again, and again.  But weren't we all a bit annoying when we were drunk?