Thirty

I did it!  I reached 30 days sober.  It wasn't easy but it also wasn't too hard.  I think it's working this time because I'm older (and wiser?), the timing was right, and most important...I WANTED to quit.  

While I was tossing the idea around to quit when I did or wait until later, I had to weigh my options.  What do I do when my daughter and her husband come home in March to visit?  I'll have to drink with them.  I've been saving that lovely bottle of red from their wedding reception to celebrate.  What about this summer?  How will I spend time on the lake with Mr. Stitches and our friends without drinking?  How will I grill out without a drink in my hand?  What about the trip we are planning to California in September?  Surely I can wait to quit after that.  There was always a reason to put it off, but there was a reason to quit now and not wait..Me. Myself, and I.  I'm glad I chose "us" instead of booze.

I'm sleeping better.  I'm not puffy and gross.  I've lost 4 pounds.  I feel great when I work out.  I'm less stressed and more focused.  Mr. Stitches and I are getting along.  I remember phone conversations after 6pm.  I'm not mean.  I, I, I, I, I...  Sound selfish?  Yes, but it's a good selfish.  I'm putting myself first for a change instead of putting booze first.  I've learned that I'm stronger than I thought I was.  I'm still fun.  I like the booze free me.  I hope to keep her as my new best friend.

Made it!

Well I made it through Saturday evening with our drinking friends without a hitch!  It was actually kind of normal.  When Mrs. Drinker asked what I was drinking I told her just some seltzer, cuz I'm off the booze for a bit.  I was drinking too much and wanted to see if I could stop.  While the guys were outside grilling my husband told Mr. Drinker that it had been 25 days.  He was impressed.  Asked me what I missed most.  I told him the routine...the habit of it more than anything, and that's the truth.  If I get that "I NEED something" feeling I grab a flavored seltzer instead.  For me it's very important to have something special in the house for when that feeling pops up.  I don't drink seltzer for breakfast or while I'm home from work for lunch because I never drank booze then.  For me this works. 

Mrs. Drinker is a tiny bit of a lady and was drinking my favorite Kendall Jackson Chardonnay.  She drank most of the bottle and was rather tipsy by the end of the night, she hadn't had anything to eat since breakfast either.  It was kind of hard to have a conversation with her.  I wondered when both of us were drinking together if we were really having conversations or if we were having strangely incoherent albeit understood by both of us discussions on nothing in particular.  Hmm.

Getting REAL

Today is very cloudy, damp and grey.  Luckily the outside doesn't match my insides.  It's Friday with a week of accomplishments both at work and home under my belt.  Day 24 and all is well.  

Tomorrow evening we are having friends over for dinner and to watch college basketball.  These will be our "drinking" friends and this will be the first time I will be "coming out" to someone other than my husband.  I'm not worried that I will relapse.  I'm not worried they will stop being my friends because I'm going sober.  I'm not really worried about anything, just thinking about it makes me feel a bit nervous. 

You see, I haven't told anyone "real" except my husband.  I've been very open here in blog world and at Booze Free Brigade but not in face-to-face "real" life.  I had been sober for 11 days when I told my husband and that was because I had to.  We were out of town and he asked if we should pick up some beer or wine for the get-together later that night at the hotel.  I told him to get what he wanted because I wasn't going to drink for a while.  "How long," he asked.  "I'm not sure," I replied (I knew then that it NEEDS to be forever), "but I brought some seltzer for the get-together."  "So I shouldn't stop for wine?"  "No, no thank you.  I'm fine.  But please get whatever you want."  He bought some beer but didn't end up having any.  It's still a full 12 pack and it's in the closet at home.  If I was still drinking that bad boy would have been long gone by now.  

I haven't told my kids either.  But of course they've heard that fairy tale before.  Our oldest daughter and her husband are coming for a visit next month.  The last time I quit I drank when I went to visit them.  At their wedding four months ago I was drinking, although I did behave myself, not wanting to be the sloppy drunk mother of the bride.  It was probably the only time in my drinking life that moderation worked.  This time when we get together Mommy will not fold/cave/jump off the wagon.  I hope they will respect my decision.  I hope she will be proud.

Scars

I have two scars on my face.  Both are the result of my drinking gone wrong.  

The first scar came to me freshman year of college.  After spending way too much time at the campus pub one night, I was walking through the dorm lobby and fell…landing on my chin.  I got up, said I was fine, and tried to continue to my room but the blood was gushing.  I ended up getting 11 stitches and a really big bandage.  Not a big deal.  I was in college, a “drinking” school to boot.  This wasn’t out of the norm.  I considered myself hard core.  Hell, now I had the scar to prove it!

Fast forward thirty-three years to September 2013.  My husband and I are attending the wedding and reception of the daughter of one of our “drinking” friends.  All the drinkers decide to meet at a bar before the ceremony to wish the parents well.  I only had one glass of wine.  It was a very generous serving, right up to the top.  After the ceremony we returned to the bar for another round…or two.  My husband and one of our friends left to switch cars around so I rode to the reception with some other people.  By the time he got to the reception I was drunk.  Not sure how drunk but it had to be pretty bad.  He became very angry with me and we left.  I have no recollection what I said or did but he was one pissed off guy.  He yelled at me on the drive home a few times.  I remember him asking if I needed him to pull over because I was notorious for puking.  No I didn’t.  I was “fine.”  When we pulled into the driveway he left the car.  I sat there waiting for him to calm down then I would go in.  When I got out of the car I realized I couldn’t walk very well.  I staggered and stumbled in my nice dress and heels.  As I was trying to navigate the two small steps to our front door, I missed and fell, landing on my face on the wood deck.  I finally made it into the house torn and bleeding.  My husband took one look at me and freaked out.  He blamed himself for leaving me in the car and not helping me in.  At least I could comprehend that it was my fault and in no way could he take any blame.  I did not go to the hospital that night.  Maybe stitches would have helped but I was not going to embarrass my husband and myself.  This time around being a hard-core drinker and having the scar to prove it wasn’t cool, it was sad and depressing.  A 50 year old drunk woman.  Gross!  I sobbed myself to sleep that night after promising my husband I would stop drinking.  And I did.  For thirteen days.  Then I started again.  Until January 29, 2014, when I decided it was time.  Time to quit drinking.  Time to stop the stupidity, the lying, the sneaking, the hiding, the self-hate and loathing.  So I did.  And here I am.  Sober.

My First Drunk Dream

Last night I had my first "drunk dream".  In the dream I had gone to some sort of party and drank a lot and blacked out. In the dream I was then awake and was questioned by people (unknown by me) where I had disappeared to and what on earth had I done.  I woke up then, for real, and was very scared.  Good grief!  What had I done!  Oh, it was a dream.  Thank goodness!  No you didn't drink!  No your mouth doesn't feel or taste like the inside of a dumpster (just speculating a bit there) and you are still sober.  Good for you!  Now get out of bed, get your coffee and muffin and start day 19! 

yum!

Testing 1...2...3...

This weekend is my first real test.  Today is my 17th day sober.  My husband is out of town until Sunday with friends.  They are doing the whole drinking and eating too much and taking in a (#1!) college basketball game.

In my non-sober days I would have spent the weekend drinking. Upon leaving work I would have stocked up on beer and wine, come home and settled in for a drunk weekend.  The only thing that I had to be concerned with was getting rid of the empties.  Get the wine bottles to the recycling center...stuff the beer bottles in my car to drop at the donation box during my next car trip...restock the beer supply in the refrigerator so it will look like I didn't drink too, too much.

So what did I do tonight?  I came home.  I drank raspberry/lime seltzer (yum!)  I did a load of laundry, made myself dinner, watched "Bridesmaids" (sober this time!) chatted with my husband on the phone (didn't have to act NOT drunk) caught up with the sober blogs, and am now watching olympic figure skating.

I did think about drinking. About how refreshing a cold beer would taste.  About how warming a glass of red wine would be.  I believe I was looking to the habit, the routine I had created for myself for these alone time weekends. As I have changed my daily routines, so must I change my thinking about this time spent by myself.

Tomorrow I plan on doing some baking, making beef & barley mushroom soup, finishing some sewing projects, having a run, and staying sober ;-)

Is this normal?

I am so fucking tired!  That's all.  I came home from work Monday and took a nap.  Tonight it took all I had to get through the front door and crawl into bed. 45 minutes later my husband came home.  He probably thought I had downed a bottle of chardonnay and checked out for the night.  No. Just me being sober!  I think I'm sleeping more now, in the last 16 days, than I did in one month of non-sober life.  So I ask, is this normal?

Two Weeks Alcohol Free

Today was one of those days where I would have stopped after work for a couple bottles of wine and a case of beer...just to make sure I had enough alcohol to get me through the evening.  

Work was just ANNOYING today.  Boss Man had "Brain Vomit" this morning.  This occurs when everything he has thought about from the moment he left the office yesterday until he arrived this morning is trapped in his head and has to be spewed forth, and be taken care of right away, of course.  Needless to say he had been thinking a lot.  The phone was ringing constantly and everyone needed something NOW.  I never had a chance to get away for a bit of lunch so found myself with a raging headache at 2pm. 

Instead of loading up on alcoholic beverages I came home, had some food and a bit of down time.  Most importantly I didn't crack a cold beer and plunk down on my ass, I hopped on the treadmill and had a 30 minute run instead.  Tomorrow may be another day like today.  It may be worse, but I can come home and workout, or sew, or plan a new fabric  project instead of turning to alcohol.  That was my choice today and I'm confident I can continue on this path.

More good news...Boss Man is on vacation next week ;-)

Eight...My favorite Number

Last week I decided to do myself a favor and quit drinking...again.  This time for real.  I have a problem with alcohol.  I like it too much.  I've tried drinking in moderation but that didn't work for me.  I've tried quitting before but just thought what the hell, I'll be more careful and jumped right back into it.  I drank just about every evening.  I could take a "night off" here and there but was right back at it the next day.

Wine?  Chardonnay was my default wine of choice.  Pinot Noir my go to red.  Hot, humid summer days?  A crisp, chilled Pinot Grigio would call my name.  

Beer?  I was a domestic light girl.  Usually Michelob, Coors or Labatts.  Anything cold.

Liquor?  Vodka... and anything.  Lemonade, seltzer, cranberry juice (the real kind of course, we don't want to be "unhealthy" do we?)  In college we mixed vodka and grape kool-aid. Talk about black-outs!

So far I don't miss it.  So far I haven't really been challenged.  It hasn't been a problem abstaining at home but then again we haven't had our drinking friends over.  I traveled last weekend and will again this weekend.  The next time we might get together with said drinking friends I'll have been into this groove for over three weeks and will have a stronger resolve. I'm hoping.

Leaving work every night and coming home is the most difficult.  Drinking became a habit.  What will be tonight’s drink of choice?  Do I need to stop and pick up a 30 pack of beer?  A couple bottles of wine?   Tonight when I pulled in the driveway I felt that old familiar tug.  No, not going there!  I grabbed a seltzer and lime and poured it over ice in a 16 oz. glass.  I had a few sips and felt the tug loosen up and fall away.   

So I went to my sewing room and stitched up a cute Valentine's Day inspired zippered bag!

Here it is zippered closed.

 

 

 

 

And Open

A relatively stress-free way to spend an hour or so.  :-)

Celebrating One Week. Seven Days. One Hundred Sixty-Eight Hours.

Who are the people who are always crying the blues?
    Who do you know who reeks of self-pity?
Who keeps getting beat up for no reason at all?
    Whose eyes are bleary and bloodshot?
It’s those who spend the night with a bottle, for whom drinking is serious business.
Don’t judge wine by its label,
    or its bouquet, or its full-bodied flavor.
Judge it rather by the hangover it leaves you with—
    the splitting headache, the queasy stomach.
Do you really prefer seeing double,
    with your speech all slurred,
Reeling and seasick,
    drunk as a sailor?
“They hit me,” you’ll say, “but it didn’t hurt;
    they beat on me, but I didn’t feel a thing.
When I’m sober enough to manage it,
    bring me another drink!”

The above text is taken from Proverbs 23:29-35.  The primary purpose of the book of Proverbs was/is to teach wisdom.  This version was taken from "The Message".

Although I do work in a church where I am surrounded by hundreds of Bibles of many different versions, I don't have a lot of Bible knowledge.  Just what I have gleaned over the last few years.  The day I decided to stay sober I found this.  Coincidence?  Divine intervention?  I don't know but I'm saying thank you.  Thank you God, thank you Allah, thank you Tom Cruise.

Day Six

"Go away!"

I think my cat is suffering alcohol withdrawal.  She stays downstairs in our family room and laundry room to ward off mice.  Until 6 days ago I made a point of taking my drink(ssss) of choice downstairs and would cuddle with her.  She's not getting her one on one time with me anymore.  That makes her sad and whiny (meowey?) but it makes me happy.  To make up for it, tonight I spent the first 2-3 minutes of my workout holding her while I walked on the treadmill.  Rather awkward but better than planting myself in a chair with a few glasses of wine.  :-)  She may not be satisfied with the situation but I'm sober!

Day 5

Another day under my belt. 

• It feels good to not worry if I have enough beer or wine to get through the evening.  
• It feels good to wake up without that fuzzy, cloudy feeling.  
• It feels good to not count the cans/check the level in the bottle the next morning.  ("Oh Fuck!  I drank that much!?!")

I feel good.  I know I can do this.  I know it won't be as easy as it has been these last few days.  Alcohol is not my friend.  It has never been may friend.  I look back at all the stupid human tricks I did while drunk and it makes me shudder, like how am I still alive?  But that's for another time...

Goodnight!

Day 4, Post 2

Happy February!

This is my day 4.  Feeling pretty good so far.  I'm visiting my mom and step-dad this weekend.  They aren't drinkers but they do have beer in the fridge for those who may like to indulge.  I wasn't tempted.  Today we went to my brother's home for a Mid-Winter get together with their friends and more family.  Beer was offered.  I wasn't interested.  I'm not foolish enough to think this life change will be as easy as it has been the last few days.  I haven't really been tested yet. 

Yesterday I reached out to Blog World and found Belle's site Tired of Thinking About Drinking and the 100 Day Challenge she has.  I signed up.  Wish me luck!  No, change that, Wish me LIFE!