RIP Robin Williams

Just can't even wrap my mind around this, this man who was so funny, so talented and who brought joy to so many.  Addiction and depression is a toxic combination.

Summer Sobriety

I get my best ideas to blog when I'm running, and listening to sober podcasts. Then never write anything down.  It has been three months since I wrote.  I'm still sober.  Completed Belle's 180 Day challenge in July and signed up for Team 365.  Recently I started listening to a new podcast called Klen & Sobr (with a "long" e) and of course, The Bubble Hour. 

Yesterday I had a total breakdown.  For over six months I have held my shit together and have not bobbled once.  No tears, no anger, nothing.  I lost it with crying and snot and angry words and laughter and dry heaves.  Nope, not pretty.  But I felt so much better after I let it go.  What set me off?  A fucking kayak.  I was trying to tie a fucking kayak to the top of my daughter's car and the tie down strap was too long.  I was pressed for time and my mind wasn't working.  The stupid ratchet tie strap was twisting and wouldn't release and the whole world was against me and my plan to go for a leisurely kayak outing.  Once I calmed down from the crying and then the laughing it all seemed so silly.  I'm glad it happened because today my daughter and I enjoyed a beautiful morning on the river in our fucking kayaks!  I also celebrated my 52nd birthday last week.  The first one sober in a number of years.  Yay!

 

Team 180 Pledge

Team 180

 On January 29, 2014 I had my last alcoholic beverage.  Soon after that I signed up for Belle's 100 Day Challenge.  I completed 100 sober days on May 8th.  I'm signing up for Team 180, which is 80 more days sober.  I edited the pledge to fit me.  This is what I wrote...

 (p.s.  I don't know why this weird margin thing is going on.)

“I have completed 100 days of sobriety.  At first I didn’t know if I could pull it off.  I wanted this to be the time I quit for good.  I was sick of the hiding, the embarrassment, the lies, the blackouts.  But what about my friends and family who expect me to have drinks with them?  I can’t disappoint them!  I’m a people pleaser!  I always give in to peer pressure, just like the timid little mouse I was in Jr. High.  Fuck that!  Guess what?  When I quit my perspective changed and I began to feel better, healthier.  Not all the time, of course, that’s some tough shit to do, but every day it became easier.  I rewarded myself for sober days. I took time for me and read or sewed or baked muffins.  I remembered that I liked to run.  So I started running again.  Now I’m running about 20 miles a week.  I like this new feeling of freedom (and “me-dom”) and I want it to continue.  I pledge to not drink for 180 days.  Not even if my husband drinks, not even if my in-law family members drink, not even if my daughter calls me “lame” for not drinking, not even if my visit to the doctor to see about that damn irksome pain in my side turns out to be something more than an annoyance.  Not even if…anything. I will not drink.  Because you see when the fog cleared after those first few days, I remembered that there was someone inside me.  Someone who wasn’t the person that I had become.  We became re-acquainted and she’s pretty damn amazing!"

So I raise my mug of tea in a toast...Here's to 80 days more!  Here's to sobriety!  Here's to me!

Mini Vacation

Parsons Beach - Kennebunk, ME

I'm on a mini vacation for a few days.  This marks the third year we have been on this trip, my first time sober.  No stopping at the New Hampshire Liquor Store.  No bar tab at the hotel.  No bar tab at the restaurant before dinner.  No wine with dinner.  No wine after dinner back at the hotel.  No falling asleep with a wine glass in my hand in bed.  

Instead I celebrated 100 days of sobriety.  I enjoyed conversation with my husband.  I could TASTE my dinner.  I didn't stumble to the restroom.  I savored dessert.  I didn't trip walking back to our car.  I remembered stuff!

Today it's overcast and probably going to rain a bit.  We will shop a little and relax.  I'm heading out for a run in a few minutes.  Going to visit a few fabric stores this afternoon.  Maybe some antique shops. 

Honey, I'm home!

I may have mentioned earlier that I work in a church office.  Lent/Easter is a very busy time of year.  Far more busy than Advent/Christmas.  I had to step away from writing to deal with the added work in the office plus a multitude of other work related happenings.  Let's just say if I were still drinking...Nah, I won't go there.  I did hold it together and in fact today I am 90 days sober!  I'm very happy to not be drinking.  I've become used to not drinking even when others are.  Still I keep it safe, secure and to myself. Only a few others know.  It's like my own special secret.

My husband asked if I had told his parents when we were visiting them a couple of weeks ago.  No, it didn't come up.  I was asked if I wanted a glass of wine.  No thank you!  There's beer in the fridge in the garage, help yourself.  No thanks!  He said, "Well, I didn't say anything to them."  (Me) "That's great, because it's not yours to tell!"  He asked if I told my mom.  Nope, hasn't come up.  Besides, I never drank much around her.  I know it would make her feel funny due to her father being such a big drinker most of his life.

We are planning a trip to California this fall with our drinky friends.  We had discussed this back when I was in the thick of it.  Mrs. Drinky asked me the other night at dinner if I was going to 'stop this' before the trip "'cuz you can't visit wine country and not drink!"  I can drink sparkling water and eat grapes can't I?  She just wants a drinking buddy with her.  The thing is she weighs all of 90 pounds and is ready for bed after a couple of glasses.  Me?  No, I'll take a bottle, make that two, drink them both.  Black out.  Wake next day to have my husband tell me I say really mean things to him when I drink.  Oh God, now what?!  Then start it all over again.  Nothankyouverymuch!  So I'm doing it.  I'm taking this vacation in September and I will not drink.  Moderation does not work for me.  (Hell, does it work for anyone?  There aren't many books written on it are there?)  By the way, while at dinner and sitting across the table from Mrs. Drinky, I could smell her glass of Pinot Noir.  It smelled kinda yucky. Like, why would I want to drink that?  Bleh!

Glad to be back here.  Really glad Easter is over!  Only seven months and we'll be in Advent.

An Old Way of Thinking

Before I got sober I would keep track of the calories burned while using the treadmill, the elliptical, the recumbent bike the rower, etc...Not for a health reason but for a "How many drinks can I have before I go over the calories burned" reason.  Sad. 

Aced Another Test

Last weekend Mr.Stitches and I visited our youngest daughter at college.  She goes to school in Mr. Stitches hometown.  We stayed at his parent's house.  They move to a southern state for a few months every year so no one was there.  Mr. Stitches comes from a family of big drinkers.  I don't think I have ever gone to his family's home and not had a drink, except when I was expecting.  Even when we stay at their house when they aren't there I would still drink.  The only thing I had this weekend was ice water, coffee, and orange juice.  I didn't WANT anything else!  

The next time we go back will be when the family gets together this spring.  I feel stronger having made it through my first time staying at the house sober - without an "audience".  Probably no one other than his sister, "the biggest drinker in the family" will notice.  And she will.  And she'll mention it.  Again, again, and again.  But weren't we all a bit annoying when we were drunk?  

Thirty

I did it!  I reached 30 days sober.  It wasn't easy but it also wasn't too hard.  I think it's working this time because I'm older (and wiser?), the timing was right, and most important...I WANTED to quit.  

While I was tossing the idea around to quit when I did or wait until later, I had to weigh my options.  What do I do when my daughter and her husband come home in March to visit?  I'll have to drink with them.  I've been saving that lovely bottle of red from their wedding reception to celebrate.  What about this summer?  How will I spend time on the lake with Mr. Stitches and our friends without drinking?  How will I grill out without a drink in my hand?  What about the trip we are planning to California in September?  Surely I can wait to quit after that.  There was always a reason to put it off, but there was a reason to quit now and not wait..Me. Myself, and I.  I'm glad I chose "us" instead of booze.

I'm sleeping better.  I'm not puffy and gross.  I've lost 4 pounds.  I feel great when I work out.  I'm less stressed and more focused.  Mr. Stitches and I are getting along.  I remember phone conversations after 6pm.  I'm not mean.  I, I, I, I, I...  Sound selfish?  Yes, but it's a good selfish.  I'm putting myself first for a change instead of putting booze first.  I've learned that I'm stronger than I thought I was.  I'm still fun.  I like the booze free me.  I hope to keep her as my new best friend.

Made it!

Well I made it through Saturday evening with our drinking friends without a hitch!  It was actually kind of normal.  When Mrs. Drinker asked what I was drinking I told her just some seltzer, cuz I'm off the booze for a bit.  I was drinking too much and wanted to see if I could stop.  While the guys were outside grilling my husband told Mr. Drinker that it had been 25 days.  He was impressed.  Asked me what I missed most.  I told him the routine...the habit of it more than anything, and that's the truth.  If I get that "I NEED something" feeling I grab a flavored seltzer instead.  For me it's very important to have something special in the house for when that feeling pops up.  I don't drink seltzer for breakfast or while I'm home from work for lunch because I never drank booze then.  For me this works. 

Mrs. Drinker is a tiny bit of a lady and was drinking my favorite Kendall Jackson Chardonnay.  She drank most of the bottle and was rather tipsy by the end of the night, she hadn't had anything to eat since breakfast either.  It was kind of hard to have a conversation with her.  I wondered when both of us were drinking together if we were really having conversations or if we were having strangely incoherent albeit understood by both of us discussions on nothing in particular.  Hmm.

Getting REAL

Today is very cloudy, damp and grey.  Luckily the outside doesn't match my insides.  It's Friday with a week of accomplishments both at work and home under my belt.  Day 24 and all is well.  

Tomorrow evening we are having friends over for dinner and to watch college basketball.  These will be our "drinking" friends and this will be the first time I will be "coming out" to someone other than my husband.  I'm not worried that I will relapse.  I'm not worried they will stop being my friends because I'm going sober.  I'm not really worried about anything, just thinking about it makes me feel a bit nervous. 

You see, I haven't told anyone "real" except my husband.  I've been very open here in blog world and at Booze Free Brigade but not in face-to-face "real" life.  I had been sober for 11 days when I told my husband and that was because I had to.  We were out of town and he asked if we should pick up some beer or wine for the get-together later that night at the hotel.  I told him to get what he wanted because I wasn't going to drink for a while.  "How long," he asked.  "I'm not sure," I replied (I knew then that it NEEDS to be forever), "but I brought some seltzer for the get-together."  "So I shouldn't stop for wine?"  "No, no thank you.  I'm fine.  But please get whatever you want."  He bought some beer but didn't end up having any.  It's still a full 12 pack and it's in the closet at home.  If I was still drinking that bad boy would have been long gone by now.  

I haven't told my kids either.  But of course they've heard that fairy tale before.  Our oldest daughter and her husband are coming for a visit next month.  The last time I quit I drank when I went to visit them.  At their wedding four months ago I was drinking, although I did behave myself, not wanting to be the sloppy drunk mother of the bride.  It was probably the only time in my drinking life that moderation worked.  This time when we get together Mommy will not fold/cave/jump off the wagon.  I hope they will respect my decision.  I hope she will be proud.

Scars

I have two scars on my face.  Both are the result of my drinking gone wrong.  

The first scar came to me freshman year of college.  After spending way too much time at the campus pub one night, I was walking through the dorm lobby and fell…landing on my chin.  I got up, said I was fine, and tried to continue to my room but the blood was gushing.  I ended up getting 11 stitches and a really big bandage.  Not a big deal.  I was in college, a “drinking” school to boot.  This wasn’t out of the norm.  I considered myself hard core.  Hell, now I had the scar to prove it!

Fast forward thirty-three years to September 2013.  My husband and I are attending the wedding and reception of the daughter of one of our “drinking” friends.  All the drinkers decide to meet at a bar before the ceremony to wish the parents well.  I only had one glass of wine.  It was a very generous serving, right up to the top.  After the ceremony we returned to the bar for another round…or two.  My husband and one of our friends left to switch cars around so I rode to the reception with some other people.  By the time he got to the reception I was drunk.  Not sure how drunk but it had to be pretty bad.  He became very angry with me and we left.  I have no recollection what I said or did but he was one pissed off guy.  He yelled at me on the drive home a few times.  I remember him asking if I needed him to pull over because I was notorious for puking.  No I didn’t.  I was “fine.”  When we pulled into the driveway he left the car.  I sat there waiting for him to calm down then I would go in.  When I got out of the car I realized I couldn’t walk very well.  I staggered and stumbled in my nice dress and heels.  As I was trying to navigate the two small steps to our front door, I missed and fell, landing on my face on the wood deck.  I finally made it into the house torn and bleeding.  My husband took one look at me and freaked out.  He blamed himself for leaving me in the car and not helping me in.  At least I could comprehend that it was my fault and in no way could he take any blame.  I did not go to the hospital that night.  Maybe stitches would have helped but I was not going to embarrass my husband and myself.  This time around being a hard-core drinker and having the scar to prove it wasn’t cool, it was sad and depressing.  A 50 year old drunk woman.  Gross!  I sobbed myself to sleep that night after promising my husband I would stop drinking.  And I did.  For thirteen days.  Then I started again.  Until January 29, 2014, when I decided it was time.  Time to quit drinking.  Time to stop the stupidity, the lying, the sneaking, the hiding, the self-hate and loathing.  So I did.  And here I am.  Sober.

My First Drunk Dream

Last night I had my first "drunk dream".  In the dream I had gone to some sort of party and drank a lot and blacked out. In the dream I was then awake and was questioned by people (unknown by me) where I had disappeared to and what on earth had I done.  I woke up then, for real, and was very scared.  Good grief!  What had I done!  Oh, it was a dream.  Thank goodness!  No you didn't drink!  No your mouth doesn't feel or taste like the inside of a dumpster (just speculating a bit there) and you are still sober.  Good for you!  Now get out of bed, get your coffee and muffin and start day 19! 

yum!

Testing 1...2...3...

This weekend is my first real test.  Today is my 17th day sober.  My husband is out of town until Sunday with friends.  They are doing the whole drinking and eating too much and taking in a (#1!) college basketball game.

In my non-sober days I would have spent the weekend drinking. Upon leaving work I would have stocked up on beer and wine, come home and settled in for a drunk weekend.  The only thing that I had to be concerned with was getting rid of the empties.  Get the wine bottles to the recycling center...stuff the beer bottles in my car to drop at the donation box during my next car trip...restock the beer supply in the refrigerator so it will look like I didn't drink too, too much.

So what did I do tonight?  I came home.  I drank raspberry/lime seltzer (yum!)  I did a load of laundry, made myself dinner, watched "Bridesmaids" (sober this time!) chatted with my husband on the phone (didn't have to act NOT drunk) caught up with the sober blogs, and am now watching olympic figure skating.

I did think about drinking. About how refreshing a cold beer would taste.  About how warming a glass of red wine would be.  I believe I was looking to the habit, the routine I had created for myself for these alone time weekends. As I have changed my daily routines, so must I change my thinking about this time spent by myself.

Tomorrow I plan on doing some baking, making beef & barley mushroom soup, finishing some sewing projects, having a run, and staying sober ;-)

Is this normal?

I am so fucking tired!  That's all.  I came home from work Monday and took a nap.  Tonight it took all I had to get through the front door and crawl into bed. 45 minutes later my husband came home.  He probably thought I had downed a bottle of chardonnay and checked out for the night.  No. Just me being sober!  I think I'm sleeping more now, in the last 16 days, than I did in one month of non-sober life.  So I ask, is this normal?

Two Weeks Alcohol Free

Today was one of those days where I would have stopped after work for a couple bottles of wine and a case of beer...just to make sure I had enough alcohol to get me through the evening.  

Work was just ANNOYING today.  Boss Man had "Brain Vomit" this morning.  This occurs when everything he has thought about from the moment he left the office yesterday until he arrived this morning is trapped in his head and has to be spewed forth, and be taken care of right away, of course.  Needless to say he had been thinking a lot.  The phone was ringing constantly and everyone needed something NOW.  I never had a chance to get away for a bit of lunch so found myself with a raging headache at 2pm. 

Instead of loading up on alcoholic beverages I came home, had some food and a bit of down time.  Most importantly I didn't crack a cold beer and plunk down on my ass, I hopped on the treadmill and had a 30 minute run instead.  Tomorrow may be another day like today.  It may be worse, but I can come home and workout, or sew, or plan a new fabric  project instead of turning to alcohol.  That was my choice today and I'm confident I can continue on this path.

More good news...Boss Man is on vacation next week ;-)

Eight...My favorite Number

Last week I decided to do myself a favor and quit drinking...again.  This time for real.  I have a problem with alcohol.  I like it too much.  I've tried drinking in moderation but that didn't work for me.  I've tried quitting before but just thought what the hell, I'll be more careful and jumped right back into it.  I drank just about every evening.  I could take a "night off" here and there but was right back at it the next day.

Wine?  Chardonnay was my default wine of choice.  Pinot Noir my go to red.  Hot, humid summer days?  A crisp, chilled Pinot Grigio would call my name.  

Beer?  I was a domestic light girl.  Usually Michelob, Coors or Labatts.  Anything cold.

Liquor?  Vodka... and anything.  Lemonade, seltzer, cranberry juice (the real kind of course, we don't want to be "unhealthy" do we?)  In college we mixed vodka and grape kool-aid. Talk about black-outs!

So far I don't miss it.  So far I haven't really been challenged.  It hasn't been a problem abstaining at home but then again we haven't had our drinking friends over.  I traveled last weekend and will again this weekend.  The next time we might get together with said drinking friends I'll have been into this groove for over three weeks and will have a stronger resolve. I'm hoping.

Leaving work every night and coming home is the most difficult.  Drinking became a habit.  What will be tonight’s drink of choice?  Do I need to stop and pick up a 30 pack of beer?  A couple bottles of wine?   Tonight when I pulled in the driveway I felt that old familiar tug.  No, not going there!  I grabbed a seltzer and lime and poured it over ice in a 16 oz. glass.  I had a few sips and felt the tug loosen up and fall away.   

So I went to my sewing room and stitched up a cute Valentine's Day inspired zippered bag!

Here it is zippered closed.

 

 

 

 

And Open

A relatively stress-free way to spend an hour or so.  :-)

Celebrating One Week. Seven Days. One Hundred Sixty-Eight Hours.

Who are the people who are always crying the blues?
    Who do you know who reeks of self-pity?
Who keeps getting beat up for no reason at all?
    Whose eyes are bleary and bloodshot?
It’s those who spend the night with a bottle, for whom drinking is serious business.
Don’t judge wine by its label,
    or its bouquet, or its full-bodied flavor.
Judge it rather by the hangover it leaves you with—
    the splitting headache, the queasy stomach.
Do you really prefer seeing double,
    with your speech all slurred,
Reeling and seasick,
    drunk as a sailor?
“They hit me,” you’ll say, “but it didn’t hurt;
    they beat on me, but I didn’t feel a thing.
When I’m sober enough to manage it,
    bring me another drink!”

The above text is taken from Proverbs 23:29-35.  The primary purpose of the book of Proverbs was/is to teach wisdom.  This version was taken from "The Message".

Although I do work in a church where I am surrounded by hundreds of Bibles of many different versions, I don't have a lot of Bible knowledge.  Just what I have gleaned over the last few years.  The day I decided to stay sober I found this.  Coincidence?  Divine intervention?  I don't know but I'm saying thank you.  Thank you God, thank you Allah, thank you Tom Cruise.